What Stress can do to a Kender
by Lostone
Summary: No, this story must go on. I did some revisions on chapter 8 and--oh yeah, our fav. gully dwarf becomes a god.
1. BIG IMPORTANT NOTICE

~BIG IMPORTANT NOTICE~ For any of you happy reviewers who read the beginning of this story, you should know that chapters 1 and 2 are virtually irrelevant to the latter of the story. If you wish to, skip to chapter 3, which is where the story really begins. If you persist to bore yourself by reading those, then by all means, do so. Loll yourself to sleep, for all I care _;. (In other words, I'm too lazy to take 'em down). --Galaphile 


	2. Crazy Gnome 3

Disclaimer: I own EVERYTHING EVERTING AND EVERTHING! MWAHAHAHA ^.^!!!!!! That is _. everything but Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Caramon, and Sturm, etc..  
  
Stomping on the gravel path, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Hereo of the Lance, brushed the dust of his prized topknot and read the sign in front of the town.  
  
"Meridion!" Tas breathed. "Too bad Caramon isn't here'" the kender commented wistfully. "We would have a great time." Taking his time to meander his way past the guards without being noticed (kender weren't allowed in this town! How inconceivable!) Tas decided to accompany a group of Hill Dwarves who were laughing boisterously under the shade of large tree.  
  
"Just like Flint." Tas sighed. As soon as the dwarves saw a kender approaching them, clutching their money pouches, they ran screaming that there was a kender in the town. "That was NOT nice!" he pouted as the town guards dashed forward to throw the kender out.  
  
"Someone must have committed a crime!" Tas said thoughtfully. Scratching his topknot, Tas decided to seek shelter until the criminal was found. That person must be right behind him! Town Guards in hot pursuit, the kender sprinted towards a cave at the outskirts of the town. Realizing that thee criminal was no longer at his back, Tas stole a quick glance behind him, almost crashing into a by passing gnome.  
  
Skidding to a stop, his topknot bobbling up and so fast that anyone staring at it long enough would eventually grow dizzy, Tas jumped infront of the gnome. "Hi!!! Tas shouted. "I'm Tasslehoff Burrfoot! What's yours-wait, no I didn't mean-"  
  
Too late! The surprised gnome scolded the over-excited kender. Where were his manners? Never the less the he drew in a sharp breath.  
  
"Gnumashnsallmariganollissisidixwertyuhtiofrumpatreetyulomerfazxeolerilloppe rtyquertallfatsoofthemutesogutesofatchickeneggangryoracloudierpremomitionlie rtullghestyhimsedtuhjixxieofforombetouiolpootuyercertsergethezebyahbrutkaerf yodvertnuimoilopreaswermwyrmuiogjuikamoliequolwertefujilfertyhuijerwiklazxeo lcertavexoinuimolioohgodnessgracious-"  
  
"THAT'S YOUR NAME!!!!!??????" Tas gasped. He knew that gnomes had extremely inconceivable first names, but this.  
  
"Yes," he said, obviously irritated. "My first name anyway. Now if you'll let me continue-"  
  
"Wait! What do you're friends call you?"  
  
The gnome drew in another sharp breath. "Gnusmashsallmariganollissisidixwertyuhtiofrumpatreetyulomerfazxeole-"  
  
"What do the residents call you!?"  
  
"Oh," he replied rather downcast. "Gnumash."  
  
"Nice to meet you Gnumash." Tas said, outstretching his small lithe hand.  
  
Gnumash shook it. "Nice to meet you Burrfoot."  
  
"Will you have seat?" Tas asked gesturing towards a boulder. Gnumash gave it a disapproving glance. Making an un-godly gesture he drew out a small device out of one of the many pockets on his apron that resembled a jumbo of sticks chewed up by a gully dwarf. Tossing it onto the ground (Tas wondered for a second if he had finally met a gnome that realized that his inventions don't work) it unfolded into a, rather disarrayed, chair. Gnumash plopped himself down onto the chair when it collapsed under him. Grumbling about some RevolutionOfChairs Guild, Gnumash tentatively sat on top of the boulder.  
  
Immediately, Tas broke into uncontrollable blabber. "Are you from Mt. Nevermind? My friend Gnosh was from there. I think all gnomes come from there-maybe the exception of my other friend Gnimish. He was about to be exiled by the way," Tas added wistfully. "But still, he did come from Mt. Nevermind. But my other frien Raistlin-he was a powerful black-robed mage, by the way-killed him." and on and on.  
  
Listening attentively to the voluble kender, Gnumash began to wonder if something happened to the kender brain to cause such insolence.  
  
Suddenly, Tas stopped. "What are you doing here anyway? Is this part of your Life Quest? Only one gnome that I've met has ever completed his. I think that it was Gnimish."  
  
Glaring at the impudent kender, Gnumash answered Tas's question. "Yes," he sniffed with a dignified air. "This is part of my Life Quest. My Life Quest is to become a Solamnic Knight-" Tas gasped. Such a thing was not possible! No Dwarf, Kender, nor Gnome had ever been in consideration to become a knight! Of Course, maybe the exception of Uncle Trapspringer.  
  
"So, why are you here? What does Meridion have to do with being a Solamnic Knight? Of all places, you should be at Solamnia. I was there once," Tas commented. "It was during the attack of the High Clerist Tower. I was with Sturm-he's a Solamnic knight, or at least was," Tas said in remembrance. "Until Kitiara killed him, that is."  
  
"Well," Gnumash continued. "There's supposed to be a Dragon here somewhere, and if I can slay it-"  
  
Again, Tas gasped. The idea of a gnome slaying a dragon was, well inconceivable. "How do you plan to do that?" Tas pursued.  
  
Gnumash assumed a sly appearance. "I plan to use this!" Reaching into another one of his many pockets, Gnumash withdrew a small box. "This," Gnumash proudly said exhibiting the box to Tas," is my secret weapon the ExplodingDeviceOfMiraclesThatisOhSoMuchBetterThanSomeHumanMage'sMagicAndItCa n-"  
  
"The short version!" cried a very anguished kender.  
  
"Oh," Gnumash replied, again, rather downcast. "The Miracle Explosive, which I have created-"  
  
"How does it work?" asked Tas, now quite intrigued.  
  
"Oh," Gnumash said happily, eyes gleaming. "First you pull this lever-"  
  
"STOP!!!!!" Cried the anguished kender, once more. There was no doubt that this device would explode! "Sorry," Tas apologized to the frowning gnome, "but you might have blown us to bits. But I wonder what it's like to get blown up to bits. Do you think that it hurts? My Uncle Trapspringer was once blown to bits-but wait! How could he be blown up to bits if he still lived after words?" Brow furrowing in question, the confused kender began to pace back and forth.  
  
"Well anyway, if you don't mind, I'll be heading off now, to slay a dragon, unless," He added. "Unless you would like to join me-"  
  
Seeing another adventure ahead of him, Tas's feet began to uncontrollably itch. "Well." The itching grew stronger. "OK!!!" Tas yelled, submitting to his feet. The itching miraculously stopped. "Uncle Trapspringer had slain a dragon before! I'll do it too!"  
  
Gnumash eyes brightened. "Thatwouldbemuchtomy-"  
  
"And now," Tas said, waving his hand nonchalantly, "where is this dragon?"  
  
"Oh!" Gnumash said happily. "You see, this dragon is right in that cave over there-" he said waving his hand towards the cave Tas was about to, a few minutes before, enter. Ignoring Tas's dazed look, Gnumash began his walk towards the cave. "Well?!" he demanded, staring at the gaping kender "are you coming or not-" . Regaining his senses, Tas began to run after the gnome.  
  
"We're here!" Gnumash exclaimed proudly as they stood five feet away from entrance of the cave. Reaching a trembling hand into one of his many pockets, the gnome drew out the Miracle Explosive. Caressing the device' s metal structure, Gnumash drew in a deep sigh and crept into the cave.  
  
Tas followed, walking both swiftly and quietly. "Are sure there's a dragon here?" Tas hissed into Gnumash's ear.  
  
Flinching (he took the kender's words as an insult), Gnumash glared at the impetuous kender. "Yes," he sniffed. "It was here just last week-"  
  
"Maybe it left," suggested Tas. "After all, dragons are sure active-"  
  
A loud snore, that sent echoes rumbling through the cave, made both gnome and kender jump. "Gonehuhwellyouseeyouwerewrong-" Gnumash whispered triumphantly. Tas started to protest when another snore drowned out all sound in the cave.  
  
"How did you say you were going to kill it?!" Tas whispered shrilly into Gnumash's ear.  
  
"Well, you see," the gnome said thoughtfully "at first I was going to use a gully dwarf that I found and us it for bait, then toss this into its mouth while its eating the gully dwarf, but since you're here-"  
  
"Wait," Tas had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "You're going to use me as bait."  
  
"Exactly!" the gnome exclaimed. "But," he said abruptly "it is OK with you is it, because if you haven't written a Will-"  
  
"HAH!" Tas said indignantly. "I've faced dragons before. Which reminds me of the time at the Battle of The High Clerist Tower. I rode on Fireflash with Flint! He's a bronze dragon by the way, Fireflash that is." Tas added. "And Uncle Trapspringer did slay a dragon once. I wonder if he used a gully dwarf for bait? He obviously didn't use himself, or maybe he did."  
  
Glaring (again) at the jabbering kender, Gnumash held his chin up high and started down the tunnel. Tas skipped after him. A sudden flash of light caused Gnumash to stop in his tracks. Bumping into the stationary gnome, Tas stopped his jabbering and stole a glance over Gnumash's shoulder. In the cave up ahead, still snoring in his deep sleep, lay the dragon.  
  
=============== =============== =============== =============== Flame me if you must. But ONLY if you must!!! 


	3. GRIFFIN MEAT!

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragonlance. But, if you've read Dragonlance, you should know what I own and don't. SO WHY A DISCLAIMER?!!!  
  
The dragon's name was Khullios, or Lightstrike to humans. In her day, she was the fiercest warrior-her spells some of the most powerful. She had flanked Huma's side. Her breath could burn of Ansalon (given a day or so). Her talons were death to a wyvern. Now, she wasn't fighting in glory against the Dark Queen. Instead, she was taking a long, well needed sleep.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Curled in a ball, dreaming of battle, laid a rather large gold dragon. Tas gasped. This wasn't what he had expected! He thought that it was an evil dragon! So caught up in his lust for adventure, he had forgotten completely to ask Gnumash what color the dragon was.  
  
"Gnumash!" Tas hissed. The gnome stopped. Turning to glare at Tas, (he's good at that) Gnumash accidentally tripped over an object (bat guano. A reeeaaal big chunk) on the caves floor and went flying into Tas. The two Graygem Creatures lay sprawled on all fours onto the floor. This, however, was loud enough to wake the dragon from her slumber.  
  
Lifting her lithe head from a pillow of shields (she preferred steel over gold), the Gold began to search the cave for any minions of Takhisis. Seeing instead a kender and a gnome, Lightstrike heaved a mighty sigh.  
  
Now, if Tas and Gnumash had decided to leave the dragon in peace, Tas would visit Flint and Gnumash would have actually completed his Life Quest. But since they, didn't, we must mourn for the unfortunate gnome and kender. "By Reorx Beard!" Tas swore. "Gnumash, you could have slain a good dragon!"  
  
Regaining the tatters of his dignity, Gnumash glared at the moron of a kender. "That wouldn't have made a difference you see, becausethenIcouldoffermyservicetotheDarkQueenandbecomeaminionof-"  
  
Tas was now dreadfully confused. Scratching his prized topknot, "How would that make you a Solamnic Knight?"  
  
Seeing how incredibly stupid the kender was, Gnumash chose to ignore the question. But, after realizing teaching a kender to be more like a gnome would be a blessing to all, Gnumash decided to give an answer to Tas. "WellyouseeIcanbeaspyfortheSolamnicKnightsandrisehighinthereranksandMt.Never mindwillbecomealegendnotthatitisn'talreadyand-"  
  
Gnumash would have said more if the dragon hadn't suddenly beat her wings at such ferocity that both kender and gnome to crash headlong into the cavern wall (which amounted to a lot of brain damage).  
  
Dizzily, they picked themselves. The nausea was intense. Retching many times-many times indeed-eventually they began to vomit. After around five minutes, the nausea subsided. Wiping their mouths with the unidentifiable objects on the cave's floor, gnome and kender began to wander the cave.  
  
Gnumash attentively studied the cavern walls and made an impromptu comment of how the walls were "of dwarven make". Tas on the other hand took great interest of the dragon's treasure pile. Spying a goblet (which was of dwarven make), Tas immediately pocketed. "I'll just steal-wait! I mean borrow. NO! I'm STEALING IT!! I'M A THIEF!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"  
  
Seeing one of her goblets being pocketed by the kender, Lightstrike shoved a very bloody and dead kender-that had dared to try to find out what the inside of a dragon looked like-in front of Tas. This recovered Tas's kender traits. "I'm s-sorry y-you m-must ha-have d-d-dropped it." Brightening up suddenly (from the brain damage) Tas broke into uncontrollable jabbering.  
  
"Do you know Fireflash? He's a bronze dragon by the way. I saved his life form Lord Soth! Do you want to hear it? No?" Looking into the dragon's irritated expression (and the fact that the dragon was scraping her claw against the cave's floor. Tas thought that it might be interesting to get ripped up to pieces-but there goes bye-bye to his adventures {And his brain started to work again.}), Tas gulped. "W-we're dr-dreadfully sorry f-for disturbing you a-and-"  
  
"GRIFFON MEAT!!!!" Gnumash exclaimed suddenly. Apparently poor Gnumash had still not recovered (And, he finished a sentence _).  
  
"What?!" asked Tas sharply.  
  
"GRIFFON MEAT FOR THE GIFT OF LIFE TREE DAY!!!!! WE MUST CELEBRATE!!!! It's a Dwarven custom." The gnome (or dwarf, for the matter) added softly. Gnumash had obviously gone insane.  
  
"Listen Gnumash," Tas said, trying as hard as possible to sound like Tanis. "Why don't we just dance right out of here. There's obviously nothing you can do here. Why don'y you just-hey Gnumash! WHAT IN THE ABYSS ARE YOU DOING??!!!"  
  
Ignoring the kender, the gnome/dwarf glared (he can still do that) at the kender. "BY REORX, I'M 'GONNA SLAY THIS DRAGON MMWWAHAHAHA!!!!!!" Before Tas could stop him, Gnumash (who was mentally gone) pulled the lever to the Miracle Explosive.  
  
"DAMN YOU!!!!!" cried a very anguished Tasslehoff. He stopped from strangling the gnome/dwarf. Nothing happened. Tas gave a sigh of relief.  
  
"Oh," Gnumash said, quite sad. "It must be broken. Shaking the device, Gnumash's eyes suddenly gleamed with a fevered madness. Flinging the device into the wall (which was less than a yard away from him), a spark lit the device. Hurriedly, Gnumash swallowed (swallowed, not licked) the Miracle Explosive.  
  
The gnome-dwarf's face turned dangerously red. A 'boom' was followed by the gnome's blood and gore splattering Tas's topknot. Waves of heat flung Tas against the wall. The dragon cried out in pain. Blood dribbled into Tas's eye. The sickening smell of burning dragon flesh filled the cave (the Miracle Explosive was really impressive. Its first test blew up all of an unfortunate town and citizens).  
  
Fire caught everything. The dying dragon's tail slammed into the cavern wall, causing a shower of boulders to come tumbling down upon Tas. The last thing Tas saw was the Gold's body a flaming torch, then everything went black (and a bit red).  
  
====== ====== ====== ====== ====== ====== ====== ====== ====== ===== Now we all now that Tas lives. BUT WHO CARES??!! Flame me if you must. But I repeat ONLY if you must! 


	4. IN THE NAME OF CHEMOSH!

Disclaimer: So, so.  
  
He was looking for something, though he could not remember what. THe woods around him were dense and thick. He was terribly lost. Falling into a blanket of leaves, Tas allowed a few brief moments of sleep to steal over him.  
  
Tas awoke, surrounded by shadows-living darkness. They swirled about, taunting him. Suddenly, the shadows stopped their wild dance. Heavy boots crunched leaves and twigs. Tas was confronted by a great looming figure within yards of him. "Caramon!" Tas exclaimed in surprise. The figure stood there-then disappeared. The darkness pressed into him-sucking the life out of him. The kender's face contorted in pain.  
  
"CARAMON!" Tas choked. His heart pounded in his ears. His hand went limp. For a second, the darkness lifted. His breathing grew steady. His gave averted upwards. An old dwarf stood within feet of Tas. The kender stared in horror. His body gave one final convulse. "Flint."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Meridion was in turmoil. A local cave had, somehow, exploded. The force of the blow triggered numerous avalanches (and created Cavein Lake). Houses were buried in rubble and those that weren't were on the verge of toppling over. And, to the good fortune of the townspeople, the local dwarves-who were Thorbardin-had agreed to lend their hands in rebuilding the town (plus, there was enough stone for all).  
  
Anyway, the cave was completely gone. The remaining rubble blanketed all of the surroundings. Any Meridion passerby, that paid even a hint of attention to the remains of the blown-up cave, would have noticed two small feet covered in ashes sticking out of the rubble. One at first glance might have thought that those were feet of a buried child. But any passerby spending a few moments to study the feet would have noticed that those were the feet of a kender-a kender who was a Heroe of the Lance.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Tas was alive. He knew that he shouldn't be. He could not move his body. He lolled his head to get a look at his surroundings. Tas gave a shudder. The whole cave was blocked from the outside entirely. His gaze wavered. He fell through the darkness, falling through time, falling from life into the grasp of eternal torment.  
  
He awoke suddenly from his brief slumber. The cave shook. Rocks fell from the cavern walls. Thick dust rose from the cavern floor, into Tas's nose and mouth. Tas began to cough uncontrollably. His lungs were squashed. His heart pounded in his ears.  
  
"Flint," Tas choked. "I'm coming to-" His voice cracked. Another coughing spasm lurched his retching body forward. His body convulsed. His teeth started clicking. He was so cold. He shivered from both fear and the cold. He knew he was going to die any moment in this wretched, god-forsaken cavern-  
  
"THAT A FOOT!"  
  
Tas blinked. He swore that he had heard a gully dwarf. "No," Tas coughed. "It is F-Fl-Flint c-ca-cal-ling-"  
  
"IT A KENDER! PEOPLE BURRY KENDER! HIGHBULP! HIGHBULP!!!! KENDER GET BUREID ALIVE! PEOPLE HERE ARE CRAZY! AHHHHH AHHH AHHHH!!!!"  
  
"It is a gully dwarf." Tas sighed. The dust had settled finally. Tas had long waited for the end. But still, it never came. "Maybe Fizban's decided that I'm not ready to-"  
  
"SECRET MAGIC WORD!" the gully dwarf called. "THIS BIG MAGIC! SECRET MAGIC WORD-"  
  
"BUPU!" Tas exclaimed in recognition. Tas lurched forward. Now, kender have very, very hard heads. If it wasn't so, kenders would be, if not already, brainless. Tas'ss haed crashed through the thin wall of rock. His head crashed into Bupu's hand, which was clutching a very dead rat.  
  
A rush of fresh air came to greet Tas as he fell on top of the gully dwarf. Bupu squealed in terror as she was being squashed by the cruel, inhumane kender. "MURDER!" the crushed gully dwarf squealed. "KENDER TRY TO MURDER ME!!!! AHHH AHHH!!!!!"  
  
Tas rolled of Bupu, who had taken a good squashing. "BUPU!" Tas cried. "Where in the Abysses did YOU come from?!!!!!" He politely shook Bupu as hard as he could. The gully dwarf keeled over dead! Dark blood oozed from Bupu's mouth. "NOO!!" cried the anguished kender. "By the gods!" he gasped. "I've committed murder! I KILLED A GULLY DWARF!" Tas yelled out, dancing an impromptu victory dance. "I'm an eeeevil kender now. EEEEVIL, EEEEEVIL!!!! MMMWWWAAAHHAHHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A rather distraught old mage appeared before Tas through a shaft of light from the heavens. "What have you done Tasslehoff?!" cried an anguished Fizban. "You have sent poor old Bupu to Chemosh! NNOOOOO!!" Fizban moaned as Tas's raiment deepened into a shade of black. "YOU ARE NOW A CLERIC OF CHEMOSH!!????!" the God of Good gasped. Tas's pouches were now adorned with the symbols of Chemosh.  
  
"I shall serve and steal in Chemosh's name!" cried Tas. "You puny, wretched, sniveling gods of good are no match for the all powerful Chemosh! HHAAAA HHAA HAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!! YOU SHALL ALL DIE!!!" Tas drew out the dagger dubbed as Rabbitslayer. He plunged the dagger into Bupu's already dead body. Blood gushed from the gully dwarf's now numerous wounds. "DIE GULLY DWARF SCUM!" Tas cried out. "IN THE NAME OF CHEMOSH!"  
  
"It can't be!" Fizban moaned. The god's mortal form was now weeping-weeping for the kender, weeping for the world. "MY FIRST CONVERT!!!!! GILEAN'S 'GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" He threw himself onto the ground, kicking and screaming like a child.  
  
"YOU SEE!!" Tas yelled triumphantly to the now gathering crowd. "PALIDINE IS A SNIVLI NG EXCUSE FOR A GOD!!! LAUGH IN THE NAME OF CHEMOSH!" Many spectators were now on their knees worshipping Chemosh. Laughing and pointing at the screaming Fizban, the townspeople all became Chemosh converts.  
  
"Mmmmm." Tas mumbled. He raised his voice for the crowd. "Listen!" he cried. The black robed Chemosh clerics formed a circle around Tas-the High Cleric of Chemosh. They began chanting. Bupu's dead body rose from the ground. The gully dwarf's eyes opened. Green light flooded from the slits of her eyes.  
  
"ME HUNGRY!!" Bupu yelled out to the crowd. "ME WANT RAT OR ME EAT ROCKS!!!!" Bupu ran up to Tas. "Me want food, me want food!"  
  
"Let go you gully dwarf scum!!!" Tas screeched. "You slimy filthy retch!!!!!" Shaking of Bupu, Tas started his way down the town's road. "COME!!" he called. "LET US BRING THE WORSHIP OF CHEMOSH THROUGHOUT KYNN!!!"  
  
======= ======= ======== ======== ======== ======== =======  
  
Will Tas redeem himself? Will Fizban ever stop crying? Find out next time!!!! 


	5. UNCLE TAS!

Disclaimer: Now, I do not own Shannara, or the characters below (atleast not most of them.)  
  
The Four Lands were in peace. The Elven Kingdom had sent two-dozen of their own to study as druids at Paranor. Bek Ohmsford and Rue Meridion were being engaged and Panax, the first dwarf to not get K.O.ed in Shannara, was learning how to get that magnificent bronze tan that the inhabitants of Pakaris had acquired. As all these events transpired, one was the most important-Grianne's journey back from the Valley of Shale.  
  
The former Isle Witch shuffled her large feet on the stone path. Moonlight led her path. Tripping over a rather large stone lying in the middle of the road, Grianne was sprawled on all fours.  
  
A sharp pain from her ankle caused her to lurch forward into the stone. Caressing the hilt of the Sword of Shannara, she gave a loud snort. "By Walker's missing arm, I've never been more insulted. Never, never, never-"  
  
"Stop complaining girly!" interrupted a high-pitched voice. Stepping out of the brush, a chibi Walker glared at Grianne.  
  
"HA!" Grianne sneered. "At least I'm not a-"  
  
"STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!" cried the chibi Walker. "I AM GOING TO DISAPEAR SOON!!!!! REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU AT HARDESHORN!" The chibi Walker's eyes suddenly turned all big and anime-ish. "Or else," he squeaked. "You will ne- never b-be-become a d-dr-druid." With a poof, he was gone.  
  
"But you don't make any sense!!!!!!" she whined. Her body convulsed with sobs. "WHO IN THE FOUR LANDS IS TASSLEHOFF BURRFOOT!!!!?????"  
  
The wind carried Walker's last words. "Not in the Four Lands," he replied. "In Krynn."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A dark shadow appeared over Solace. At first glance, one might have thought that it was the shadow of a dragon-as the destroyers of Solace were. But, it was merely a precision of black robed figures marching down the path that five companions had long ago traveled. "CHEMOSH CHEMOSH!!!" the precision cried.  
  
"STOP NOW!!! I WANT ORDER!!!!" cried a small figure. Stumbling over a tree stump, the figure propped himself on top of a boulder where an old dwarf once sat before the end of his long journey.  
  
Halting so suddenly, the black robed figures crashed into one and other. One stout figure, (a gully dwarf by smell) scurried onto the boulder. "ME WANT RATS NOW!!!" the gully dwarf cried shaking the small figure perched on the boulder.  
  
Shaking of the gully dwarf, the kinder snatched the pouch filled with very dead rats from the gully dwarf's hand. Shoving the helpless gully dwarf off his perch, the small figure continued. "BUPU!" he cried. "You shall have your rats after we bring the worship of Chemosh throughout Krynn. That is," he said thoughtfully. "After we rule Solace. Shaking, his head, the figure resumed his speech. "ON TO THE INN OF LAST HOMES! I AM TASSLEHOFF BURRFOOT, HIGH CLERIC OF CHEMOSH!!!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
At this time, Caramon Majere, Hero of the Lance, was giving his youngest son, Palin, a lecture of why his son should not ever drink Dwarf Spirits. "They're like men and my half sister Kitiara." He lectured. "Once you have a tiny amount, the more you need." Waiting to see the impact of his speech on Palin, which was a lot of lip curling, Caramon continued. "If Kitiara finishes with one man, like poor Tanis," he adds solemnly. "She picks up a new one, like Dalamar!" he exclaimed brightly.  
  
By now, Palin was extremely intrigued. "Father," Palin asked tersely. "Didn't aunt Kitiara, well, almost kill lord Dalamar?" Palin was very concerned about the Conclave's Head.  
  
"Well," Caramon, now rather taken aback. "The Death Knight, Lord Soth, did trick Kit into almost murdering him. And," Caramon said wistfully. "He did really love Kit. Which just goes to show, my boy! He was enamored of her from her, uh well, pleasure--"  
  
"CARAMON MAJERE!!!!" Tika gasped. Skillet in hand, she bashed Caramon over the head. "HOW DARE YOU DIRTY OUR SON'S MIND? I'LL-"  
  
"Father," Palin interjected. Meandering his way to his father in attempt to dodge Tika's skillet. "What is this?" he drew out an object from his robes.  
  
Recognizing the object as the fabled Device of Time Traveling, Caramon snatched the device from his son's hands. "N-n-no-nothing," he stammered. 'It's j-just, uh, Dalamar's gift for, uh, saving his life from, uh-"  
  
Wide-eyed, Palin gasped. "THIS BELONGS TO DALAMAR THE DARK??!!!"  
  
"Well, uh-"  
  
"NO, IT DOES NOT!" cried a shrill voice. "It belonged to Gnimish the gnome."  
  
"Tika!" Caramon shuddered. "It sounds like dear old Tas. How did-"  
  
Unfortunately, he did not finish his sentence. Just then, the door was bashed open by a legion of black robed figures. "Hi Caramon," said the leading figure. "Are you ready to embrace Chemosh as your god?"  
  
"WHAT IN THE ABBYSS??!!!" Caramon gasped. "TASSLEHOFF!!?"  
  
"The same," Tas said brushing dirt from his velvety black robes. Drawing off a rather nice looking hood, Tas outstretched a small, lithe hand.  
  
Lurching forward, Caramon caught hold of one of Tas's pouches. Shoving it into the sunlight, Caramon fainted. Sniffing, Tika bent over Caramon's lug of a body. Adorned on it was the symbol of Chemosh. "You stole it?" Tika asked.  
  
Slapping away Tika's hand, Tas gave out a sardonic laugh. "No Tika," he sneered. "I am a Cleric of Chemosh, now."  
  
"UNCLE TAS!" cried Palin. "YOU'RE SO COOL!!!!!"  
  
"Are you ready to embrace Chemosh with heart and soul?" Tas asked, now solemn.  
  
"YES, YES!!!" Palin cried.  
  
The kender grinned evilly. "Then so be it." Palin's raiment deepened to a shade of black. At this sight, Tika fainted.  
  
"Now my young apprentice," Tas cooed. "We must leave." Passing Caramon's body, Tas pocketed the Device of Time Traveling, which was locked in the man's unconscious hand. "MMWWWAAAAHHAAHAA!!!" Tas cried triumphantly. He broke out into an impromptu dance. "MY SOURCE OF POWER! NO LONGER WIOLL HAVE TO WALK!" Tas began to chant and twist the device. He then, began to glow and blur. His frame spun around and around. "ON TO PALANTHAS!" he cried.  
  
A shaft of light appeared from Meridion. "NO YOU DON'T!" cried a befuddled old mage. Chanting his incantation, the mage wiggled a finger at kemder. POOF! THe kinder was gone. "I am so good," the mage chanted.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Grianne Ohmsford was interrupted from her ramblings by a small, black robed figure dropping out of the sky in front of her. The figure sprang to his feet. "This isn't Palanthas," he muttered under his breath. He could no longer fell Chemosh's aura of power. "This isn't even Krynn! That FB!!!" he cried, remembering the mages fierce chanting. Looking up, he suddenly noticed that he had company. "Where is this!" he demanded, lurching forward. Catching hold of her very nice sword, Tas grinned evily.  
  
"The Four Lands and-hey! That's mine!" Grianne jumped to her feet. Too late, the kender had withdrawn the sword from its sheath. Reaching his lithe hand, Tas grasped the pommel. Then, he saw the truth.  
  
====== ====== ===== ====== ===== ====== ====== ======= ======  
  
HA! Now, that's the way to redeem Tas. I am so good.  
  
-Galaphile 


	6. The Penalty of Treachery

Tasslehoff Burrfoot's life was made from many shameful events. He had helped the gods of good by destroying a Dragon Orb and he had ridden in to battle and so forth to try to stop the darkness. Very shameful Tas knew, but he was making his dark redemption by serving Chemosh.  
  
So he wandered the repulsive paths of light and took salvation in the caressing darkness. Now, he saw Kitiara's purpose. Good was for those with petty ambitions. Those like the ignoramus gnome Gnumash and the insolent bronze dragon Khirash.  
  
He lived in the darkness. He was one of the darkness. Darkness was his salvation and nothing could deny that. It was part of the balance in the world-a balance that made up Krynn. Understanding flooded his soul as he exited the door from the lies of good into the to truth of darkness. Tas's eyes opened and blinked.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tas popped out of his trance. Grianne ceased her laughter. "By Walker," she sighed. "The sword must be broken."  
  
"Hello." Tas muttered. He ran his lithe hand though his gray streaked hair. He breathed in the nourishing darkness. "I am Tasslehoff Burrfoot, High Cleric of Chemosh. I hope that you worship Chemosh, or else," he breathed in the richness of his speech. "Or else, I will have to kill you." Drawing out the dagger dubbed Rabbitslayer, Tasslehoff caressed the small hilt.  
  
"Well-" the former Isle Witch began.  
  
"STOP!!!!!!!" an anguished Tas cried. Grabbing the Sword of Shannara at his feet, Tas snatched it up. "What a nice looking sword," he mused. "Surely you wouldn't mind if take it for, uh, safe keeping." Shrugging, Tas strapped the sword to his back.  
  
At this, Grianne was aghast. Surely, the Sword of Shannara should have at least some affect this creature. Why did it not see its wrongs? Exasperated, she lunged for the sword. "THAT'S MINE!" she said coldly.  
  
"No," Tas said sardonically. "If it were then you would be locked up in a depression-"  
  
"But I was," she interjected. "I was-"  
  
"FREAK!!!" Tas cried out suddenly. "YOY'RE A FREAK OF NATURE!!!!" Pointing an accusing at Grianne's most desirable, Tas grinned evilly. "YOU HAVE DENIED THE DARKNES!!!! BY CHEMOSH, YOU WILL-" pausing so suddenly, Tas began to think of all of the most horrible things that he could do. An idea inspired by Caramon Majere popped into his head. "You will become my slave. And you shall be so in more than one way," he added quiet happily.  
  
"WHY YOU!!!" Pulling out her mallet, Grianne regarded the kender with the lust for spilt kender blood. "I WILL SEND YOU TO MY MENTOR'S CORPSE!!! MMWWAHAHAHAHHHHAAA"  
  
"AHHHH!!!!" Tas cried shrilly. He was about to be ruthlessly murdered by a crazed woman. And also, he wouldn't join Chemosh. Meandering his way from the path, Tas darted into the underbrush.  
  
"COME PUPPY KID!" Grianne cried. "I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY EXTRASPECIAL MEDICINE-A MEDICINE THAT HAS CURED MANY OF MY PROBLEMS!"  
  
Woe to the unfortunate kender for he tripped in a pond of mud. Tas cried out frantically, but it was no good. The kender was slowly, but steadily, being bogged down. "CHEMOSH!!!!" Tas cried. "HELP ME RETURN TO KRYNN WHERE I SHALL SERVE YOU FOREV-"  
  
"HAAAAA!!!!" Mallet poised over her head, Grianne struck the kender's head as a hammer strikes a nail. Tas's body convulsed with the pain. His body lurched out of the mud.  
  
"To the Abyss with that." Tas coughed. Mud and blood frothed on his lips. His gaze averted upward. "YOU SHALL DDDIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" Tas lunged forward with his dagger. He lost his footing and fell headlong into the mud. The Sword of Shannara fell with him, sinking into the mud. Tas's body was enveloped completely by the devouring mud. "CHEMOSH!!" he gurgled. He gripped the Sword of Shannara. "HELP ME-" Black light enveloped Tas and he was speeded down the corridors of magic.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
On Krynn, Fizban the Fabulous was the shame for all. He had started his very own petition, both in the heavens and on the mortal plane, to have Chemosh removed from godhood. He had promptly taken the matter to his brother Gilean and had the misfortune to have discovered that he was also the shame of the Gods of Krynn.  
  
"You've had over a thousand converts to Chemosh in one day, dear brother," the normally sober god of neutrality mocked. "It is not a wonder that you have been put into shame hood. Not even your consort, Mishakal, dares acknowledge that she knows you.  
  
This in mind, Palidine took this up with Mishakal, herself. "My dear," he had approached. Palidine chagrined at Mishakal's reaction. She had very swiftly pulled a veil over her face and scurried out of his view.  
  
With this, he approached his ambitious sister, Takhisis. "Dear sister," he began. "I have become the shame of the world by Chemosh and company."  
  
"What is it that you wish for, dear brother?" she asked mockingly.  
  
"I WANT THAT STINK REMOVED FROM GODHOOD!!!!!" he had cried.  
  
Takhisis's lip curled. He was now following her ambition. "Maybe," she mumbled to herself. "Maybe I can use his ambition to further my own." So with no seemingly visible avail, she put on a very innocent smile. "Yes," she cooed. "But isn't there a need of balance." Noticing that Takhisis had spotted him, Gilean ducked his head in shame.  
  
"Ah, well," Palidine had said nonchalantly. "Let that Raistlin Majere boy become one. He'll be good at it, that's for sure." He chuckled to himself at his small joke.  
  
"WHAT!!!!???" Takhisis had flared. "THAT RETCH!??!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!"  
  
Aghast by this response, Palidine shook his head and quite by accident crashed headlong into Gilean. Ducking his head in shame, Gilean hid beneath his current volume, peeking over the edges to spy on the affairs of his elder elf-loving brother.  
  
So to say, Palidine was shamed beyond belief. In desperation, he had taken his petition to the High God, but that proved even more shameful when the High God gave Palidine his own personal nametag that said 'I am in very deep shame'.  
  
Fuming, Palidine attempted one last attempt-he was going to spread very embarrassing rumors of Chemosh. "MMWWAAAHAHA!!!" he sneered. "I SHALL RULE SUPREME!!!!!" And during his little motivational speech, he did not notice his brother snickering as Palidine's raiment deepened slightly to a shade of gray.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tasselhoff Burrfoot blinked. He was alive and-Tas gasped. He felt Chemosh's aura of power! He was living on Krynn once more! Wiping mud out of his eyes, Tas gave his thanks to Chemosh.  
  
He shifted his feet. Thump! Something cold and hard struck Tas's foot, sending vibrations throughout his small, lithe body. Tas's facer contorted in the pain. Vomiting mud, Tas examined the object. Wiping his mouth on his black mud-covered robes, Tas realized that he had seen this object before. He scratched his head in deep thought. The object was so covered in mud that he could not remember-  
  
"Ah!" the kender cleric exclaimed. "Its that sword that belonged to that mallet-woman." Sighing wistfully, Tas grinned triumphantly. "Now, your sword is mine!" Tas shuddered in delight. "I shall present this trophy to Chemosh."  
  
Dizzly, he stood up. He was surrounde by familiar land. "Xak Tsroth," he mumbled. Something poked his back.  
  
"Hey!" asked a stuttering voice. "You OK kender guy?"  
  
"Gully Dwarfs," Tas sighed. Regaining his composure, Tas launched into yet another speech. "I am Tasslehoff Burrfoot, High Cleric of Chemosh. I roster holly clerical powers granted to me bty Chemosh himself. Now," he said. "Take me to Highbulp Phudge I."  
  
"Highbulp Phudge I dead." The gully dwarf said sadly. "Him fall of cliff and fall into water. Him Bye-bye now."  
  
"Oh," Tas mumbled. He would have relished a chance to twist another gully dwarf. "Then, who is you is your Highbulp?"  
  
The gully dwarf eyes grew wide. "You want Highbulp Bupu?"  
  
"WHAT???!!!!!!" Tas shouted. He picked the gully dwarf up by the coller of its grubby shirt. "How? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???!!!!!"  
  
"Me know," the gully dwarf choked. "Highbulp Bupu come two days ago. She had very scary green light come out of eyes."  
  
Tas tossed aside the gully dwarf like a rag-doll. The gully dwrf crumbled at Tas's feet dead. "So Bupu," he mused to himself. "You have betrayed me. I shall make you pay." He clenched his fist in rage. "Oh, how I shall make you pay."  
  
His feet crushed the gully dwarf as he trod upon its dead corpse. "When I kill you this second time," Tas quoted from Rounce. "I shall put you in a box and toss you down a pit. Oh yes I will."  
  
A scroll plunked on top of his head as he mused. Rubbing his topknot, Tas unrolled the scroll. The scroll itself was sloppy and lacked the proper heading. In bold letters, was penned 'Chemosh wears purple undergarments so he can attract Takhisis. Signed, A Reliable Source'. Tas ripped the scroll apart. "I resent you FB," he said coldly. "I resent all of you gods of good."  
  
His footfalls sounded as death throughout "the Pitt" as Tas made his way to thre gully dwarf's homestead. "Bupu," he murmured. "I shall kill you-kill you again." Drawing out the dagger dubbed Rabbitslayer, Tas spat on it. He securely strapped the Sword of Shannara to his back. Making his way down the pit, Tas grinned -grinned like the skull of Chemosh. "You shall learn the penalty of treachery."  
  
==== === ====== === ======= ====== ======= =====  
  
(Shrug) So, Tas doesn't redeem himself from, a life as a Cleric of Chemosh. Who wants Bupu to be tossed into a box and thrown into a pit? -Galaphile 


	7. LA, LA, LA, LA!

Disclaimer: You should know what I own and what I don't.  
  
A gully dwarf came hopping down 'The Pitt' as a shadowed figure came creeping down the rim of the homestead. Panting down the narrow ravine, it made its way to the Highbulp's Palace, while slamming headlong into the guarded door. Smacking the snoring guard in the chest, he waved its arms and shrieked in terror. "AAAHHHHHH!!!" Lurching forward, the gully dwarf barely caught its balance.  
  
"Watch where going gulpsludge!" the guard mumbled prodding the other with the butt of his pike. "Highbulp Bupu no like bad gully dwarf!"  
  
"Me know!" cried the gully dwarf defensively. He panted waiting for his speech to come. "Boy, you some dumb guard!" he snorted. "Highbulp say me come if me see bad outsider!" Regaining his composure, he gave a very loud snuffle.  
  
The gully dwarven guard's eyes grew wide. "Bad outsider here?!!?!"  
  
"ME SAY SO!!!" the gully dwarf cried. "ME BETTER GUARD THAN YOU!! HIGHBULP BUPU MARRY ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!"  
  
The guard quickly looked around to see if anyone was listening to their conversation. Seeing no one, he picked up his pike. "Highbulp Bupu marry me!!" he cried. He lunged forward. The sharp, unsanitary point of the pike skewered the gully dwarf like cheese. It gave out a hideous shriek. Blood frothed the gully dwarf's lips as its pinched face contorted with pain. Shuddering in death, it gave one last convulse. Its body went limp, dead. "HA!" the guard snorted. "Me marry Highbulp you not! I will--"  
  
Caught up in its ranting, the gully dwarf did not see the black robed figure that descended like a cloud of darkness. Drawing out a dagger, the figure plunged it deep into the guard's body. The murdering gully dwarf howled in pain. It swung its arms helplessly. Then its body went limp. Blood gushed from its mouth as its fingers stiffened in death. The figure smiled wistfully at the sight of the dead corpse.  
  
"You were fit to serve Chemosh," the figure mumbled. "But, I do not seek any more converts to Chemosh's cause." Drawing aside its hood, the figure straitened its back in anger. The face was that of a child's-a child's whose face had been twisted by evil. "I shall kill you Bupu!" he hissed. With that, Tas made his way through the Highbulp's Palace. Suddenly, he was dragged down by hundreds of swarming figures. "AAAAAHHHHH!!!56!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * **  
  
In the heavens, Palidine was hard at work. Scribbling down every possible rumor he could think of the god had called up Reorx. "Now dwarf-boy," he had sneered. "I need you to forge a mechanism that drops these every so mile. I've dropped one and Chemosh's aura is making my hand sore."  
  
Unfortunately, the stout god was not interested. "Chemosh and I are great friends!" he had cried. "He said that we would go to Palanthas and whore away with every appealing female that we could find!! Which is why, you know," he had added with an air of dignity. "Its why I need good clothes and by my beard!!! I NEED GOOD CASH WITH MY LOVELY HEAD STAMPED ON IT!!!!"  
  
At this, Palidine was taken aback. "You mean," he had pursued. "You mean that Chemosh is a whore?"  
  
"BY TAKHISIS'S LOVELY FACE, YES!!!" Reorx had bellowed. "AND SO AM I!!! MMMWWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!!" Face red with laughter, the dwarf had toppled headlong into Chislev's bath.  
  
"HA!" Palidine said triumphantly. "If rumors won't work, I'll try whoring! That'll steal Chemy's self esteem!!!!!" Amid the shrieks of 'Perverted old dwarf', Palidine made his way toward Palanthas. Suddenly, he stopped. "Wait!" he moaned. "I don't know how to whore off! But," he added brightly. "I can always trick Chemy to summon Kitiara's spirit. "Hmmmmm. CHEMY OLD PAL!!!!!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Tas blinked. Hundreds of smelly creatures prodded at him. "More gully dwarves??!!!" he gasped. Slapping away the hand of a belching gully dwarf, Tas chanted his prayers to Chemosh. A skull appeared before the cleric's lithe hands. Tas's lip curled in understanding. "COME NOW GOOD FOLK!" he cried. "BUY ONE OF THESE FANTASTIC CHEMOSH PET! WATCH THEM COME AND WATCH 'EM GROW!!! ONLY 5 PIECES OF STEEL EACH!!!"  
  
The gully dwarfs regarded him with gaping mouths. Smiling ruefully, Tas continued. "Ch-ch-che-che-chemosh!" he chanted. "Chemosh Pet, just pour on the dead souls and watch it grow!!!"  
  
The ruse worked! Hundreds of gully dwarfs flooded around Tas, demanding a Chemosh Pet. "Ah!" Tas breathed. He raised his voice for the crowd. "BUT FIRST," he said reverently. "FIRST YOU MUST TAKE ME TO HIGHBULP BUPU!"  
  
The gully dwarfs fell silent. Pondering the imponderable, the male gully dwarfs cried 'NO!" while all the females squealed 'YES!' in defiance. Tas was dreadfully confused. Deciding to just give Chemosh a very big birthday present, Tas raised his hands in prayer.  
  
"MEAN KENDER!!!" cried a shrill voice.  
  
Concentration disturbed, Tas blinked. "Aha!" he slurred. "It's Bupu!" He drew out the dagger dubbed Rabbitslayer. "PREPARE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF TREACHERY!!!! AAIIIIIYYYYAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Tas lunged forward. Gully dwarves scattered at his wake. Green light flooded the room as Bupu glanced nonchalantly at Tas. "Foolish to come," Bupu murmured. "He shall regret killing me." Drawing out a remote, Bupu pressed the red button. BOOM! Tremors shook the foundation as a gigantic robotic foot of a mecha came crashing down upon the palace.  
  
"WHAT IN THE ABYSS!!!????" Tas cried out in anguish. Bupu laughed evilly. "You see kender, when you traveled to the other plain of existence you warped me into another also!" Bupu shook her head in memory. The huge white foot planted itself onto the palace floor. "I traveled to a world of dragons-a world much like Krynn, yet more advanced technologically." A red cape flooded down upon the mecha. "I have dragon blood now, kender!" she sneered.  
  
"BY CHEMOSH I DON'T CARE!" Tas cursed.  
  
Bupu only smiled. "No, but you will." Walking up to the mecha, she pounced up into the opened cockpit. "ESCAFLOWNE," she cried. "YOU MAY TAKE MY BLOOD NOW!!!!" The cockpit sealed Bupu into the control chamber of the Gaian Dragon Armor. The armor convulsed, releasing steam from its joints. Then it leaped up into the air to squash Tas. "MMWWWHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"  
  
Chemosh would be lost one cleric if it weren't for a purple mecha that planted itself in front of Tas. Tas gaped in awe. It was truly magnificent. Adorned with the markings of 'EVA 01', the mecha was the kender's savior. A plug popped out of the mecha onto the floor. "HA!" Tas cried. "I SHALL USE THIS.this.uh--"  
  
"Evangelion!" hinted Shinji Ikari.  
  
"Eh?" Tas asked poking his head into the plug. "Who's Shinji?"  
  
A young boy suited up in the most wonderful suit was having a must wonderful motivational speech inside the plug. "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I MUSTN"T RUN AWAY!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
But woe to Ikari-kun for Chemosh had decided that his mecha would conquer all of Krynn! Using the divine art of the gods, Chemosh sent Tas into the plug (with the suit) and into the EVA. Shingi, however, was sent back to Tokyo 3 weaponless and naked.  
  
In the EVA, Tas was having the most wonderful time. Using the divine arts of Angel/human technology, Tas drew out a knife that resembled a very large Rabbitslayer. "FACE ME BUPU!" he cried. "YOU SHALL MEET YOUR ULTIMATE DOOM!!!"  
  
The Guymelef and Evangelion faced each other as the pilots of each snickered. Bupu drew out Escaflowne's gigantic sword. Bupu smiled in the Guymelef's cockpit. "Kender," she cooed. "I would like to play but first. YOU MUST DIE! YYYIIAAAAA!!!!!!"  
  
The gully dwarf lunged the sword into the Eva's head. Or at least would've if the sword hadn't ricocheted of the most wonderful energy field. "HAHAHA!" Tas laughed mockingly. "You can't touch me when I have my.uh.my-"  
  
"A-T Field" hinted Kensuke.  
  
Tas's brows furrowed. Whirling about to meet the geek's freckled face, Tas snickered, but then stopped. "WHO IS KENSUKE?!"  
  
"He is me," Kensuke chorused. "LA, LA, LA, LA!!!"  
  
"AAHHHHH!!!" Tas cried. "A STRANGERIN MY PERSONAL SPACE! AAHHHHH!!!!!" Tas flung the humming Kensuke out of Krynn and back to Tokyo 3 naked.  
  
"I AM INVINCIBLE!!" Tas announced after much profound thought. "NOTHING CAN PENETRATE MY A-T FIELD!!!! MWAHAHAH!!!"  
  
The Guymelef withdrew its sword. "Well," Bupu sighed. "I guess that I'll have to go to extreme measures." Tossing aside the sword, Bupu picked up a giant N^2 mine. "FEEL MY WRATH!!!" She hurtled it at EVA 01's A-T Field. A huge wave of heat threw back Escaflowne. The palace's remains exploded in a shower of sparks. Gully dwarves were crushed be debris. Those that weren't met their ends by the following nuclear blast that destroyed 1/25 of Krynn in one minute.  
  
Tas's A-T Field sustained its strength. Tas smiled. Suddenly, the EVA lurched forward. The A-T Field flickered, than died. Another blast tossed the EVA aside like a rag doll. "AAHHHHHH!!!!!" Tas howled in pain. The next blast knocked Tas into the Sirrion Sea.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
In Palanthas, Fizban the Fabulous had made an appearance. Sneaking his way into the Lord's household, Fizban shook the sleeping Lord's wife. "Hey," he urged. "Why not hace some fun?" When the blast came, Palidine was lurched forward into the Lord's Wife.  
  
====== ====== ====== ===== ====== ====== ===== =====  
  
Will Tas survive in Sirrion Sea with EVA 01? Will Palidine succeed in betting a new wife? Who wants Rayearth?  
  
-Galaphile 


	8. The Juicy Rat

Disclaimer: I own this and that and that and this and--all except for what I don't!  
  
EVA Unit 01 lay half submerged in the swirling waters of the Sirrion Sea. In the plug, the High Cleric of Chemosh lay, dying. The mechanical arm shifted, spraying thousands of water droplets flying through the air.  
  
The figure moaned in pain. Its gaze flickered to the digital clock on top of the plug. "It has been 12 hours since I've switched to life support," he gasped. "In, uh--"  
  
"Around 8 hours!" chimed Kensuke. "Then you will d-d-d-d-die! HA, ha, ha!" Tas's temper exploded. He Turned around and cuffed Kensuke hard in the face. "YOU'RE SUCH A--"  
  
"A cool person!" Kensuke sang. "Everyone wants to be my friend! Oh, gosh, it's so wonderful! Oh yes, oh yes! Ha, ha, ha! Say," Kensuke asked smiling. "Do you want to be my--"  
  
"NO!!!!" Tas cried. Picking up the dagger dubbed Rabbitslayer, Tas ended Kensuke's spiritual connection to Krynn.  
  
Tas sighed remorsefully. He shifted the knife to his other hand. "What a waste," Tas mumbled. "Chemosh won't be getting any favors from me." Suddenly he drew back his head and gave out a loud moan. "WHY!?" he cried. "WHY ME? WHY NOT THAT DRACART GUY?"  
  
Tas coughed. "I shall always serve Chemosh," he sighed. "But I would much prefer to serve him alive than dead. He gave out a loud snuffle. Tas's pupils dilated. "What in the Abyss?" he coughed. He sniffed again. That smell--it was like almost--  
  
"AAHHH!!!" Tas howled in realization. He staggered forward, smacking the cockpit's seal. The kender's body went limp with pain. His face contorted into a horrible façade. His pupils dilated alarmingly. His last words came in his last breath. "It smells like Kensuke's rotten blood! Chemosh, help!!!"  
  
And Chemosh did help, drawing the kender into his breast and into the Abyss.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Palin Majere limped his way towards his home. His perspiration soaked his black velvet robes. He drew in a breath. He moaned in the effort. "Usha my dear!" he cried (there LOTR writer guy!). "Oh, Usha! Where may Ulin be? I must convey an important concerning Chemosh to him." And so did Usha appear-if not in Palin's joy. "You fiend!" she gasped. "How dare you whore off with that Kerian elf!?"  
  
Palin blinked in astonishment. Whore? Palin thought. He wasn't a whore! Well sure, his aunt and father were, but surely he was not--  
  
"What?" Palin asked, confused. "Who told you this?"  
  
"Fizban did!" Usha cried.  
  
"Eh?" Palin searched his mind. "Oh!" he exclaimed. "That Fizban." He took a step closer towards Usha. "Listen my dear, I assure you that I've never--"  
  
"BLACK!" Usha cried. "You wear black!"  
  
Again, Palin blinked. "Well, yes," he began.  
  
Usha ran up to Palin. She grabbed him by the neck, and then shook him. "STOP!"  
  
"Ye-ye-yes, m-ma-ma-mada-da-da-dam," he lolled.  
  
Usha quivered in fear. "You want to marry that Tika Waylan don't you?!" she cried. "You want to abandon me just like what that Fizban guy said! WHHAAAAA!!!"  
  
"What in the Abyss!" Palin demanded. He stared at the crying Usha, who was now running into the Sirrion Sea. "WHY DO I WANT TO MARRY MY MOTHER?!"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
As Palin would one day discover, Usha's craziness was result of Fizban's 'motivational speeches'. "Now," he had lectured. "Anyone that likes Chemosh is evil. Yes," he said in an undertone. "Very evil indeed."  
  
And it was Usha's hand that shot up. "What if your husband, husband's kender god-uncle, aunt and aunt's lover, and uncle are in league with evil?"  
  
"Then," Fizban had warned. "Then, you've better watch out for your husband. He may be having secret rendezvous with a certain Kagonesti named Kerian, hoom, hoom!"  
  
"All of you!" he had cried out. "All of you probably know I am Palidine. If you want less tax, vote for me as the Solamnic lord! I won't call for 'recount, recount'!"  
  
"YAH!!!" the people had cried. "Go Fizban!"  
  
"HA!" the god had laughed. Glancing up at the heavens, Palidine snickered. "So Chemy," he sneered. "It looks like that I'm winning again! Now- ahhh!!!!" Palidine moaned. "NOO!!!!"  
  
There in front of the crowd he fainted. Before he did, however, he cried out suddenly. "I'm not a god, anymore!!!! NOOO!!!!"  
  
And so, ironically, Palidine's shame was only deepened much, much further.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
But with all of these transpiring events, the people of Krynn did not notice the wonderful fortress that had suddenly appeared in the center of Ansalon. Nor did anyone notice the Guymelef that arrived at this fortress. Nor did anyone notice that the fortress had a name-a name that we have all yearned to speak. Its name was Cephiro.  
  
The brilliant Bupu had concluded that if she could control this fortress place, she had have control over an army larger than the Dragonarmies of the War of Souls (?). However, Bupu was unfortunately met by Eagle in his F- T0. "Let me pass," Bupu snarled. "I can destroy you in one blow! Crack the armor! If your armor is made from dross, I shall destroy it!"  
  
Eagle Vison, on the other hand, regarded this with discuss. "I shall become the pillar of Cephiro! If not that, I shall be the ruler of this world! For Autozam! F-T0, go!" The mecha's gun-thingy was drawn. He pressed the trigger. "DIE!!!"  
  
With that, Bupu's miserable life of Krynn was forever ended. Escaflowne exploded in a shower of dragon blood. The Dragon Armor dissolved, and then flowed into Gaia via infamous dimensional routes, courtesy of Khellendros.  
  
And it was via these routes that many came in to inhabit Krynn.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
A limp body floated in the LCL of the Evangelion's entry plug. The plug was pitch black. Nothing moved and nothing shuddered. Silence was in the air. For these reasons, there could be only one reason. In the cockpit of EVA 01, the kender High Cleric of Chemosh, Tasslehoff Burrfoot was at long last dead.  
  
Or, at least, he certainly looked dead. His eyes were pinched together, giving the impression that he was a starved gully dwarf. His breathing (?) came sharp. He moaned suddenly. "NO!" he cried. "I don't want to be a gully dwarf! AHHH!!!!"  
  
So, much to Chemosh's mistake (you see, he really meant to take Kensuke, but he was already dead), Tasslehoff Burrfoot was not dead. Light, dark or light, no one knows, enveloped the kender, and swept his body away. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Every so often, there is a so-called 'judgment of the gods' when ever one god is to be sent into exile. In this case, that god was Palidine. Unfortunately, poor Gilean's accusation wandered of into Chislev's tree- hugging reaction with Reorx's misadventure.  
  
"Here, here!" cried Chislev. "Reorx was the one who invaded my private space!"  
  
"For the love of Taky," Reorx glowered. "I am not that type of man!"  
  
Chislev whirled to meet Reorx. "So does your type of man accidentally fall into another's bath while--?"  
  
"Aye, lassie," Reorx said smugly. He twirled his moustache in dizzying revolutions, all the while pocketing Gilean's forsaken pen. "That's how it goes! Now mind that the next Chaos War! Wait for Chaos to share your bed! HAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Order! I say order, dear comrades!" Gilean gasped. Groping for his lost pen, Gilean kicked at Morgion. Who was happily torturing Palin Majere.  
  
"Majere boy," Morgion hissed. "You shall first feal your flesh melting, then your face will bulge forward, sending spots of decay throughout--"  
  
"SOLINARI HELP ME!" Palin gasped. Seeing that the god of white magic was waving chicken feet in Palin's direction, Palin beseeched Nuitari. "I will turn evil!" he pleaded. "Just-ahhh!!!!"  
  
Nuitari's brows furrowed. "Hmmm. Let us see. Your uncle was a fiend, your aunt was a whore, your father plotted against me, your wife is a brat-uh fine! Ohh."  
  
Unfortunately, Palin was already dead.  
  
Gilean's voice rang out in the midst of chaos. "If you want Palidine removed in the place of Caramon Majere, say 'no'!" Gilean was answered with twenty-some 'no's'. "Deal done! Taky, my dear sister put your hand on this book. Good! Oh, and fetch that Caramon guy. Chemosh--"  
  
"He is already here, good sir," Chemosh sneered. "He's died, already."  
  
"Bend the rules!" Gilean gasped. "Make him a god!"  
  
"Sure thing," panted Kiri-Jolith. He magically levitated Caramon's soul onto am alter marked with the sign 'new god goes here'.  
  
Gilean and Takhisis began to chant furiously. "No, no, toe, toe, fuh, fuh, god!"  
  
Light began to radiate from Caramon's body. Then, the body flickered into another shape. It became stouter and more stupid looking.  
  
"AHH!" Reorx roared. Shoving his way past Chislev, he pointed an accusing finger at Gilean. "You want to make a gully dwarf a god?"  
  
Gilean stopped chanting. He blinked. "Eh?" he asked, turning to glare at the dwarf. "Who said--AAHHHH!"  
  
The body of Caramon was now replaced with the body of Bupu.  
  
"GASP!" gasped Chemosh. He leaned over to examine the gully dwarf closely. He drew back, puzzled. "How did Caramon Majere turn into a gully dwarf?"  
  
Gilean shoved Chemosh aside. "You imbecile!" he bellowed. "The High God's going to kill me! NOOO!!!!"  
  
Bupu's eyes flared open. "Me not hungry!" she gasped. Apparently, her increased brain cells had been destroyed in the celestial transformation. "Me NOT want rats now! Me want good! You," she glowered, pointing at Takhisis. "You very bad lady. You NOT pretty."  
  
Takhisis covered the distance between her and the new god in one great bound. Grabbing the snuffling gully dwarf, she shook Bupu convulsively. "Listen gully dwarf slime," she whispered hatefully. "If you say that again, I shall kill you!"  
  
Bupu's brows furrowed in deep thought. The gully dwarf's head shot up suddenly. Lifting a grubby finger, she bonked Takhisis on the nose. "Me no think so," Bupu snickered. "Me immortal god now! Ha, ha, ha!"  
  
"Arrghh!" Takhisis screeched. Flailing her arms in pain, Takhisis threw the gully dwarf into Zeboim. "Come!" Takhisis cried. "I summon my dread legions!"  
  
"You can't," Gilean mumbled wistfully.  
  
"Why not?!" Takhisis asked in acid tones.  
  
"Because that Raistlin kid killed them all," Gilean answered dolefully.  
  
"NOO!!! It c-can't b-be," Takhisis blubberd. "I-I--Waahhh!!!"  
  
"There, there," Saragonas soothed cheerfully, patting Takhisis on the back. "We still have a bed, evil powers, great kids, the world-"  
  
"You do, now?" piped Tasslehoff Burrfoot. Kicking his way through the crowd of gods, Tas meandered his way towards Chemosh. Kneeling on one knee, he bowed before Chemosh. "Oh great Chemosh," he panted. "I have finally come here! What are your-eh? What is Bupu doing here?!"  
  
"She is a god now," Zeboim sniffed. "Say," she asked brightly. "Do 'ya 'wanna be friends? You see, ever since that half-elf guy killed my husband, I've been real lonely at night so--"  
  
"Sh-she? Bupu?!" he stuttered. He fumed, making incoherent noises. "Wh- what?"  
  
"Me god now! And me--kender guy!!" Bupu cried. Running up to Tas she grabbed him and began to blubber. "Me miss you! Me want to kill you now!"  
  
Tas sank to his knees. "No!" he moaned. "WHY?! WHY BUPU? Gwaaa!!"  
  
"Uh," Gilean interposed. Placing his body in front of the kender, Gilean burst into tears. Sobs wracked his body as be began to blubber incoherently. "The High God is angry!!! He is going to ground me for twenty more millenniums! Watch! Here he comes!"  
  
Zilyin patted Gileans sob-wracking back. "Don't worry," he said in reassuring tones. "The last time I was grounded, some eons back, my punishment was only three-hundred-billion some less worshippers."  
  
"ME KNOW!" Bupu cried suddenly. "You remind me of Highbulp Phudge I! But, hey!" Bupu said befuddled. "Highbulp dead now, so--you dead too!"  
  
Tasslehoff smiled suddenly. "Yes," he said. "I hope he does. I will become a kender god! I don't need Chemy! Ha, ha, ha! I shall be worshipped!!!"  
  
Everyone braced themselves as the Platinum Dragon fell from the sky. In its place, shone the Juicy Rat.  
  
======= =========== ========== ==========  
  
I've extended the chapter for joy! Be happy! 


End file.
